It's a rarity to find a group of people as a child that go on to be your lifelong friends but it's fair to say, I am one of the lucky ones. Most of the people I consider to be my best friends in the whole world I’ve known since I was as little as three years old or met as a wide-eyed 11 year old going into secondary school and yet, when we congregate at a dingy pub table, nothing has changed.
I often pride myself on the longevity of my female friendships, they are one of the greatest additions to my life. Unfortunately, there is often a stigma attached to groups of girl friends, many claim that they’re “bitchy” or as I’ve often heard, “too much drama” but with the girls in my life, I find it to be quite the opposite.
We are the first people to hype each other up when they get a new haircut or a new top, we have never fallen out over a boy and we haven’t once had a big blow out or bust up - there’s still time. We borrow each other's clothes and we lend out our books, we comment on every single selfie they post like it's the first time we’ve seen their face and I’m convinced there has to be some sort of magic in all of that.
With this in mind, I have collated a short list of what I believe to be the secret formula, my trusted guide - most of which I've had to learn the hard way, or very recently - to have the most loving and rewarding friendships in your life.
When they fall in love, leave them to it.
We’ve all been there… we’ve watched a friend be sucked into yet another unstable situationship with a ‘fuck boy’ or start seeing someone we consider to be a thousand leagues below them because no one will ever be good enough for your best friend, and all you want to do is grab them by the shoulders and scream in their face “The boy isn’t mysterious, he has the personality of a brick wall and follows you around like a lost puppy"... but you can’t.
The best thing you can do for them as a friend, is to leave them to it and allow them to fall naively, quickly and hopelessly in love, without your judgement. If they ask for your honest opinion on something then of course tell them, If they’re in physical danger and you’re worried about their safety, then please for the love of god, tell them. But if you don’t like the guy they’re seeing or you think there’s some red flags being raised or you’re getting the second hand ‘ick’, don’t tell them, don’t ruin it for them.
Dolly Alderton in her memoir Everything I Know About Love wrote “Let your friends abandon you for a relationship once. The good ones will always come back” and as I’ve gotten older I think I agree with the idea more and more. As tricky and heartbreaking as it can be to watch your best friend spend more time with someone who's almost a stranger to you, you have to let them live through that experience and make mistakes all on their own.
Your job as friend is to be there to pick up the broken pieces when the poor girl is in ruins, buy her some chocolate and force feed her chinese food whilst she cries to ‘All Too Well’. Your job is to support her when she's telling you that it's over and she can’t stand to look at him and your job is to support her when they’re back together the next week.Your job as a friend is to listen when they need to rant about a couple's quarrel or bitch about their in-laws. It's not your place to dictate their love life.
Side note: It's even more important to not, under any circumstances, console your friend by telling them how you “never liked him anyway” because it's only awkward when they get back together and she knows how you really feel, making the maid of honour speech all the more uncomfortable.
2. Don’t make them feel bad about how much of a mess they were the night before
It’s the morning after, you’re all cooked up in someone’s flat bedroom making yourselves look somewhat presentable for a cheap Wetherspoons breakfast and makeup wipes are scattered across the floor. You’re all telling tales of the night before, with pieces of your memory slowly returning back to you but there's an elephant in the room. One of you took it too far last night.
Maybe they shouted at you, maybe they were sick in your bed, maybe they made you miss your taxi because they were too busy being dragged out of the bar by security. Whatever it is they did, as long as they didn’t seriously hurt you, or make it a regular occurrence, then the best thing to try and do is to just laugh it off.
Tell them about how funny they were drunk or the silliness of the night but don't give them a telling off, you’re not their parents and they are not your child. There’s nothing worse than the 'hangiexty', embarrassment and guilt of what alcohol fuelled you was capable of the night before and as a friend, you should be able to move on from those things, as annoying as they might be.
After all, chances are one day it’ll be you that's made a fool of themselves and trust me, the last thing you’ll want is a slap on the wrist.
Side note: I’d always advise if you feel like maybe you were ‘that friend’ recently, issuing a formal apology to the group just in case, will never go a miss.
3. Keep them in the loop with your life
If it’s a new job, car, flat or score on a test, it's important to keep your friends in the loop with those big moments in your life and more importantly, the little ones. Those quick interactions and check-ins are vital in everyday life. It's a simple swiping up from their story to say “I saw this too and thought of you straight away!” or sending them a frantic voice note to tell them a story of your day.
It’s sending them memes and mini hauls of your trip to the shop, it's asking them about an ill relative and remembering importants dates. It’s dropping them a five second text to say ‘good luck’. It's all these tiny fragments of your lives that are the glue that hold friendships together.
The best of friends will forever care about those tiny details because it's the tiniest of things that make them feel the closest to you, it's what reminds them of why you’re friends in the first place.
Side note: If they make you feel like you're being annoying by doing this, they're probably not a very good friend.
4. Always have future plans
Life is messy in your twenties and if your friends are anything like mine - scattered across the country - you soon learn that it's a MAJOR operation trying to get us all into one room or even just two of us on a coffee date. I’ve even gone as far as to force some friends to send me dates that they’re free so I can create a spreadsheet and I’ve also made plans months in advance for the sake of one meal.
Having dates set in the diary, trips booked or birthdays planned is essential to give you all something to look forward to, an end date to all the suffering without them. As you get older and your lives become more layered, it's these plans that we cling to. Treat it like a long distance relationship, if you will. Even if your friends are in the same town as you, without future plans it can feel like you're miles apart.
Side note: If you're reading this and know you don’t have a date for the next time you’re supposed to be seeing your friends, then drop them a message, maybe you need to.
Maintaining friendships are just as important as any other relationships in your life and just like plants they need watering and tending to, you can’t expect them to flourish all on their own. It’s important to remember that your friends are human beings. They say things they regret and they make stupid decisions or they may be politically incorrect but these are things you love them in spite of. If you gave up on a friendship every time they did something slightly out of line we’d all be alone forever so forgiveness is the key.
I hope you are lucky enough to have friends who fiercely believe in you, defend you to their death and who think you deserve the world. I know I do.